August 29, 2017 changed our family forever. Matthew, my brother-in-law, left the body and went home to be with the Lord unexpectedly. In the two years following his death our family has walked a long road of loss.
Although painful beyond words there are a few ways our church body, neighbors, friends, and family have walked alongside us to help carry this heavy burden.
1. Rest.
After our sudden loss we were graciously given time to just be. My husband and I were able to spend a week at my in-laws’ house where it was okay to not be okay, to talk or not talk, and we didn’t feel obligated to paste a smile on and continue on with day-to-day moments. These are still some of the sweetest gifts from the Lord, as we reflect back on those extremely hard days. Not being alone and not being expected to just carry on brought comfort beyond measure to our weary souls.
2. The presence of friends and family.
Many friends and family showed up simply to be by our side with a hug or to sit in the silence with us. With the amount of shock that this kind of loss brings, we found comfort in loved ones not trying to find words to say but being okay with the silence. Having been on the other side of loss, I know from experience this isn’t easy, but the willingness to be uncomfortable for the sake of love and support was invaluable.
3. Sharing memories of the loved one.
To this day this continues to be one of the most comforting things along this journey. In times of loss just saying the loved one’s name and sharing memories of them brings such a comfort that can barely be described. Along those same lines, remembering important dates in the loved one’s life is so comforting to family and friends. Though the first year is painful in all sorts of ways with many firsts experienced without an intricate part of our lives, the cards sent on the anniversary of his death and those that remember his birthday year after year make us feel so seen and loved.
4. Intentionally loving one another.
The days that followed Matthew’s death were full of numbness and daze. Still, we can recall many times that neighbors would show up with food without asking, friends would knock on our door with coffee to sit with us, pastors came to pray with us, neighbors mowed our lawn, etc. This alleviated many of the burdens of “normal life” and gave needed space to process our loss. If the Lord prompts you to do something when walking alongside a loved one through loss, act without waiting for the grieving to ask. Though they may never ask, these ordinary actions speak volumes of your love for them.
5. Bibles donated in memory
Many Bibles were donated in memory of Matthew to Gideons International. Our family was encouraged that such a painful loss might be used to the glory of God and spreading His Word.
6. Prayers and Scripture
Words are hard to come by in seasons of loss, especially the “right” words. Yet, reminding those experiencing loss that you are lifting them to the Father who knows their pain more personally than anyone else can be so comforting. When the words can’t be found, offering the faithful Father’s holy words brings balm to a weary soul in a way human words never could. I remember one particular morning after the loss of Matthew, I was searching the Scriptures for comfort in the promises of God. The Lord brought Revelation 21:4 to mind “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away.”
Later that day a friend texted me the same verse. I found a comfort in God’s Word that nothing else could provide for me. Through prayers and sharing of Scripture from friends and family, we truly experienced the closeness of the Lord in the midst of great loss. Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.”
7. Be gentle.
Finally, loss takes time. I may have experienced the loss of my brother-in-law two years ago but, there are times when the grief feels as fresh and difficult as the days immediately following his passing. Knowing it will take time and not expecting one to heal in a set amount of time frees those experiencing loss to grieve well, however long it might take.
No type of loss is easy to experience. Whether you’re walking alongside someone or experiencing it first hand, look to Christ to lead your steps and bring hope on the most hopeless of days. By His grace, you will come through loss looking more like Him. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.” – 1 Thessalonians 4:13
If you or someone you know has lost a loved one we hope you find comfort through the Word of God. We hope the scripture cards below are just what you’re looking for Click on any of the images below for a printable PDF.
Kaitlin Redmond serves as a graphic designer on the Lifeway Women team. She’s a native of Nashville, TN, and considers herself a homebody. She and her husband Chris get to be parents to their sweet baby boy, Jack. She loves spending time in the Word with women, exercising, and going on picnics in the backyard with her family. The Lord has given her a rich community of women who have inspired a love for God’s Word and a desire to know Him deeper. You can follow her on Instagram @kaitlin_redmond.
Yes, I have been going through a period of loss. My mother has been palliative for over a year and is at end of life. Her journey does not match anything in the nursing literature and has been unique. I call it “The Long Goodbye.”
I have learned that HE is God and I am not, that I need to give up my need to understand His timing, and to TRUST Him greater. I also am challenged not to isolate myself from friends, family, and the church body. Thank you for this posting. Annie
Wow. I was looking for something like this. My mom in law transitioned a couple of weeks ago and I was looking to create grief care packages to send. Something that provides comfort.
I LOVED your article!! I am a widow and have been for 8 years now and I’m STILL not done grieving!!! My husband died very suddenly of a strep A virus he was 43! We used to have a lot of friends, but since he died, they all left. I stayed at our church for a couple of years, but I didn’t feel like I FIT in anymore. I’ve gained tons of weight, I’m very depressed, our son is away at boarding school. I WANT to help other people, but I don’t know how if I can’t even help myself and now my MOM!!! I feel guilty because I don’t just pack up & move back home to NJ to help my sister take care of my mom. But then I wouldn’t be able to see my son his one weekend a month that he gets off school and he & I look forward to those visits. So My Heart is ALWAYS TORN! My in-laws live here in NC. Last year my daddy died on the SAME EXACT DAY AS MY LATE HUSBAND DECEMBER 5th!! My dad was dying of colon cancer but was having a hard time passing, I said to my sister the August before I left them from my visit to go back to NC, “I bet Payne is going to help daddy get to heaven.” Dad’s nurse said he was having trouble and was between worlds.
SURE ENOUGH!!! The funny thing is that right before my sister called to tell me that my dad had passed, the clouds between my house & my neighbors were very unusual, I’d never seen them like that. I took a photo, they were sooo beautiful!!
My younger brother committed suicide in his attic of his home here in NC on January 15, 2007! I was the one who found him. He was the only family member who followed me to NC. We were extremely close.
So I am NO STRANGER TO GRIEF, DEATH, putting on a fake smile!!
I didn’t have too much time to JUST GRIEVE MY HUSBAND! I had a 6 year old son to take care of! And PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ALL THE TIME!! I FAILED at parenting my son because I didn’t take time to grieve, I didn’t take care of myself properly so that I could take care of him emotionally. And I had NOBODY HELPING ME IN ANY WAY! My husband did not have life insurance when he died! I have learned how to fix toilets, holes in walls, caulking, linoleum, wood furniture, etc… over these last 8 years! I’ve definitely become a much stronger person! My faith in God has grown tremendously! And I have been and will continue to learn about HEAVEN as long as I live!
But unfortunately I have lost trust & faith in people..
You are treated very differently when you are a widow.
And you are judged and treated differently for being fat! I did find out that I do have medical reasons why I am having a hard time losing weight!!!
I lost my Dad on New Years Day, 2020. Nothing prepares you for the heartache of any loss…. especially the loss of a parent. Like Camilla wrote, please acknowledge the grieving of their loss. The smallest act of acknowledgment can mean so much to the person mourning and gives honor to the loved one’s memory.
I lost my mom less than two months ago after her battle with cancer. I would highly, highly encourage anyone going through loss to find the nearest church that offers GRIEFSHARE. Also, the book Hearing Jesus Speak into your Sorrow by Nancy Guthrie is really good.
If you are in the position of being the comforter, please say something when you see the grieving person or acknowledge it in some way even if it is just a hug. To not even acknowledge it is the most painful. I’d rather have you say or do something stupid than to do or say nothing at all.