The year 2020 has not quite been what I envisioned. The new year began full of celebration with our thirtieth wedding anniversary in January and planning a summer wedding for our oldest daughter. In February, I started a new role at work, which I love, and I spent time with extended family. Could this year get any better?
But hardships and grief are unpredictable. Life started to change. A pandemic . . . things only seemed to grow worse. We rescheduled bridal showers, experienced social distancing restrictions, and worked from home. However, April reset our lives. My sweet mom, who lived with us, went to the hospital, experienced a heart attack, and within forty-eight hours, she had gone home to heaven. Nothing from that point forward seemed as tragic as losing my mom—knowing she was alone as she died. Everything was on pause including her memorial service. What do you do with overwhelming, delayed grief?
The year has held a strange feeling for me—waves of fear, forgetfulness, uncertainty—and my constant companion, grief. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had other times of grief in my life—miscarriage, loss of loved ones, breast cancer, job changes, moves that required leaving dear friends—but any other sadness or disappointment gradually seemed to get better over time. Day by day hope would grow. However, this time, recovering has taken much longer than I ever expected as I’ve grasped for God to pull me from this deep, dark chasm of grief. My heart will ache or I have no energy. There are tasks I simply don’t want to do, and I’m not sure why. Often I will feel like I can’t do a certain task without falling apart. I can’t blame all my sadness and grief on COVID, but it sure hasn’t helped the situation. During weddings, funerals, and illnesses when I most need community and to be near those I love, I can’t.
As I’ve navigated this journey, I’ve been reminded of some truths and learned some new things. If you are experiencing your own grief due to the changes as a result of COVID, loss of someone you love, the heartaches of canceled plans and injustice, job loss, illness, or loneliness, I hope these truths will encourage you.
- Grief is unique for each person.
I’ve been told that each experience of grief is unique, and that grief is unpredictable. Although you can sympathize with others, you can’t really share the pain, weakness, or fear they feel. It is hard to explain how, at any moment, memories rush in and your coping mechanisms fall apart. In Job 6:2 he lamented, “If only my grief could be weighed and my devastation placed with it on the scales” (CSB). If only we could have a way to measure our grief—but its weight changes daily as we grieve.
- Grief is change.
In A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis writes, “I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. . . . Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back.”1 What I mourn and miss will never be returned to what it once was. My grief will ebb and flow, but there is nothing I can do with the loss except to continue grieving and suffer through it. My hope has been that we know a God who does not change. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Heb. 13:8, CSB). As everything changes around us in this world, God is constant.
- Grief is universal.
Although no one experiences grief and sorrow in exactly the same way, bereavement is an integral part of life. Just as we learn to love and live life with others in community, we learn a shared sorrow and experience grief together. No one will be exempt. People look to others to help them understand disappointment and discouragement. We have a deep desire to share our pain. In addition to God, we seek those who can comfort and walk beside us and carry our burdens (2 Cor. 1:3-5). When your whole way of life has changed, you are drawn to others who will help you navigate the confusion.
- Grief is deep.
I’ve heard that the greater the love, the deeper the grief. I’m not sure that I totally agree, but I have discovered there are various layers of grief. One person might grieve a job loss differently from another person depending upon the actual work, relationships with coworkers, and community. Introverts may not feel the same level of loneliness during isolation due to COVID, while extroverts may grieve more for the loss of community. But make no mistake, grief is a deep emotion that can be felt as strongly as anger, hatred, or love. Grief is more often a deep, multi-layered process that takes time to dig out of.
- Grief can only be lifted by a good God.
Some might disagree with me on this, and I do know that family and friends can bring great comfort. But I know in my sorrow that God has lifted my exhaustion and helped me to see more clearly as my eyes were blurred with tears. He is present when no one else is around—through long days and the darkest nights when you cannot sleep. He has been ever-present as I’ve cried for help and received His care (Ps. 40). He has been good in spite of the bad in the world. The emotional transition from grief will not be quick, but God is constant and faithful. Ultimately, I need Jesus, and not just those who resemble Him.
In the past, people would wear mourning clothes—sometimes for years. I can now understand why. Grief is an intimate and messy journey. Grief can physically manifest through sleep loss, stress, a weakened immune system, and illness. The sorrow in grief can impact you mentally and emotionally in ways you never dreamed. I’m not sure what the remainder of 2020 will bring. I do know the best and most helpful thing I can do, as I continue to grieve and handle the changes, is lean into the Lord—to trust God with each day, to spend time in His Word, and pray that He continues to demonstrate how constant and faithful He is in these uncertain times.
I’d love to hear how you have dealt with grief in your own life. What is your story? How have you experienced God’s presence during the uncertainty of 2020?
Michelle Hicks is the managing editor for Journey devotional magazine with LifeWay Women. Michelle served as a freelance writer, campus minister, and corporate chaplain before coming to LifeWay. She is a graduate of the University of North Texas and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Michelle has a deep hunger for God’s Word and wants others to discover the abundant life they can have with Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
C. S. Lewis, A Year with C. S. Lewis: Daily Readings from His Classic Works, from A Grief Observed (San Francisco: Harper Collins, 2003), 214.
I lost my mom to cancer on July 15. Your words describe the numbness and exhaustion I feel. Although we knew for the last 7 months that mom would leave us, it hits hard when she is not here. Gratefully mom was in Hospice at home and I was able to assist my dad in her care, especially the last two weeks.
I have a great peace and hope that I will see her again, but the change is hard. What I find hardest is the expectations of others as they do not have patience/understanding of the way I grieve (it is not the way they grieve). God is teaching me in this time of how to help others grieve.
Sandy, I’m so sorry for your loss. You brought up something really important — expectations. I know I’ve wondered if something was wrong with me when I didn’t react in certain ways at certain times! But I realized I jump into task mode and the emotions come later. It may prolong my grief but I’m able to get through the present and the things that had to be done when no one else was around due to COVID. But we need to be gentle with ourselves and the expectations we place upon how we should grieve. Others should show the same kindness. We all will face grief and we all will handle in different ways.
I loss my nephew on July 21, 2020 to COVID-19, he was on life support for over two weeks because the family thought he would pull through and will once again be joining us at home. Well that didn’t happen. When my sister notified me of his passing I was just at a loss. Not only as him being my nephew but also for just thinking of his parents and other love ones especially his father and grandmother (My Sister). However recognizing that grief is a human emotional process and I knew that we all need time to grieve him and space . Knowing that we’re not alone, for The Almighty One is with us and will never forsake us’ and knowing that our Heavenly Father will heal us all. I just pray for an expedient manifestation of our Heavenly Father healing according to John 16:32. In the Name of Jesus of Nazareth, I pray with thanksgiving. Amen!
Imani, I’m so sorry for your loss. You have shared such good words of comfort. Thank you. We are praying for you and your family.
My dad went Home to be present with Jesus on March 27th just as C19 protocols had began to manifest in our state. My dad was alone in ICU wanting to come home for five LONG days. We were told he was improving and our family prepared to bring him home into his and Mama’s home. On that Friday morning our world as I’ve known it my entire life was unexpectedly and agonizingly changed. No funeral was held. We’ve had to postpone his Memorial Service repeatedly due to C19. I am aware I am supposed to not grieve as the world grieves. My family is still reeling. So many changes came in the heels of my Daddy’s passing, we cannot seem to catch up with the world.
But God is so good. In an unexpected phone call, card, FB live service, so many avenues, Jesus continues to show up just where we are. As a family and individually. Like in this Lifeway post. Jesus ushers in peace even while we mourn.
Rhonda, I know that pain of having someone in the hospital and you can’t be with them. Your loss is so similar to my own. Know that I’m praying for you and others who have this delayed grief. You are so right — Jesus is the only One who can usher in the peace we need.
Dear Michelle,
Thank you very much for sharing this. Reading this, it felt like I was looking in a mirror.
I lost my father in law suddenly at the end of May this year and we were literally blindsided by grief. Being thousands of miles away from him, my husband and I literally felt paralysed and helpless. We envisioned a ‘romantic’ end to his life where he’d get a chance to gather his children and grandchildren around him and whisper a final farewell.
Our best laid plans were shattered by one phone call. In the first few days, I’d say grief was a heavy weight that nothing could shift. As we continue to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we now see the loss of a loved one as almost learning to live with a permanent limp. Whatever the case maybe, we’ll continue to hold on to the Rock of Ages who has always proven Himself to be a shoulder we can lean on.
I pray that you and your family find solace under the shadow of the wings of the Almighty.
Stay strong,
Dammy x
Thank you for sharing … I love your illustration of a permanent limp. So true.
Thank you for sharing this. I am grieving the loss of my husband of 27 years. He passed away on May 1, 2020 of a lung disease. I feel like if I could be around family, friends and church family more that it would help so much. I am a hugger and I’m thankful that my 25 year old daughter is one too, and for the time being is still living at home. I know that the Lord can and will supply all of my needs but I am having a really hard time right now. I have been to Griefshare when my brother passed away in 2014 but I don’t feel that I’m ready for that yet. I know that I need to remember that God is faithful and I need to trust Him. That sounds simple and easy but it is not. Thanks again for sharing. I’m so sorry about your mother. I lost mine in 2015,
Trish, I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying that the Lord surrounds you with His love and comfort during this time. I have found great comfort in the midst of the pandemic with more time at home to wrestle with my emotions and take the time needed to grieve as I work from home. I’m praying that instead of feeling isolation you will sense the freedom to take advantage of more time at home to sit and reflect. Sitting, thinking, and not feeling rushed to move on to the next thing has been such a comfort and one advantage of the pandemic.
Thank you Michelle for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother. This was an excellent and encouraging article. I lost my precious Father over a year ago due to dementia. He was in a nursing home. I am so glad he is not here on earth to experience this pandemic as he would not understand. If he were here, I would not be able to visit and go feed him. He lost his eyesight completely due to a rare eye disease as well…..so he really would be confused if I wasn’t there to be with him. I miss him every day and I think about him every day. What helps me is to visit the cemetery and go talk to him. I grew up listening to Gospel music and I play videos on my phone at the cemetery like I did when he was in the nursing home. My biggest assurance is getting to see him in Heaven. When I get sad I remember all the good times…..that is what I hold on to.
~🦋Lisa🦋~
Thank you, Lisa, for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. We all grieve in different ways and find comfort in a variety of ways. What a blessing to remember the good times and hold on to those. I am doing the same.
Michelle,
Thank-you, for sharing your story and encouragement. Since March I have lost 4 family members not-related to Covdid. Although cause of Covdid the grief has been extremely difficult cause we couldn’t all be together has a family. This last week the last relative we some of us where able to gather for the funeral and grave side. I was a wreck cause I not only grief this family member but the other 3 still. I know God is faithful and He gives me the strength to keep going. I am also for years using a little book called “Experiencing Grief” by H. Norman Wright it has been helpful. Also, with two of the family members I was ask to write tributes and that helped with the grieving process. Once, again thank you for a wonderful article. Also, thank you to some of the other comments of other books.
Oh Sarah, I am so sorry. How tragic to lose one family member, but four … it is just so heartbreaking to hear. Thank you for recommending Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright – great book! We will be praying for you and so many others who have commented and shared their losses during this time. It helps to grieve together.
My story started long before 2020. My husband and I have been struggling with family issues that have resulted in us being denied access to our 3 granddaughters-no contact at all because of deep issues our daughter-in-law has. That includes the. Itty of the newest one we have never laid eyes on and who just turned 16 months a few days ago.
In late November of last year I lost my father pretty quickly after he fell and suffered an inoperable brain bleed. He would have been 90 this last May. Still trying to deal with what ended up being a non-existent Thanksgiving and Christmas, 2 short months later our lives, as well as the world’s lives, were turned on its head. I’ve lost track of what to grieve over. The only thing keeping me sane and my head above water has been relying on the promises of God and trusting His character as I pray and get many No’s in comparison to the few Yes’s. I’ve been recording special verses and sayings I run across and have about 300 verses so far that have spoken directly to my aching heart. I have also been faithfully keeping a Joy Journal. Some days are a real struggle, but I try to record ways that God brings joy into my life every day.
Susan, thank you so much for sharing. It can’t be easy as you grieve daily those you have lost to death and those you’ve lost in another way. We will pray that situation is resolved and you can be reunited with those you love so much. Your idea of a Joy Journal is wonderful. When everything seems sad, bordering on hopeless, it is good to focus on the good, the joy, and the hope. I am praying that you will be able to look back over those 300 verses and the joy journal and see God’s faithfulness. He sees you and knows your heartbreak.
We lost our adult son, unexpectedly to a massive heart attack on March 9, 2020. He lived with us after a hurtful divorce 10 years earlier. His Memorial Service was March 17 & well attended, even tho we were in “shut down.”
It’s been extremely hard missing him on a daily basis. My husband & I begin each day praying together. Our church family has been supportive as they can be with social distancing. Our Pastor continues to check on us. It’s been very hard moving forward without hugs & love.
But we know Who holds tomorrow. And we know we’ll be reunited with our son one day.
LaRee, thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad you were able to grieve with others in person before COVID shut down that opportunity. What a wonderful pastor you must have! So glad you have the church of a good church family. That has been a blessing to me too.
While we were essential workers and not as effected by Covid as much as others, I lost my brother in April, my husband of 40 years two weeks ago and an uncle two days ago. I have a Master’s in Counseling but I don’t anything can prepare you for this much loss so quickly. My husband was in ICU for 16 days and we all thought he would come home. I was able to be with him during the day up to the day before he died when the hospital went on lockdown because of the rise in Covid cases. We are a small resort area with way too many travelers too quickly.
This grief does feel very messy for me now because we were in business together and I now have to navigate that without him. The triggers are everywhere and sometimes I can ignore them and sometimes they overtake me. I know it will be a lifetime journey for me and like you said, only God will ultimately fill the hole in my heart. My comfort comes in seeing all the lives my husband touched and the fact I will see him again one day.
Pamela, thank you for being so honest. The fact that you have a master’s degree in counseling, and you still feel unprepared for this kind of loss is actually a comfort to me and I’m sure to so many others. We all will experience loss and grief and the sorrow and pain that comes with it. Although it may be hard, I actually like that you said “it will be a lifetime journey” — that takes the pressure off any feelings we might have that we need to hurry up, grieve, and move on. Because that is just not the way it is. Praying for you, Pamela.