Mama was the first word both of my daughters spoke. Hearing those words didn’t make me a mother. That miracle happened with a simple word from me—yes. Yes, we will start the adoption process. I called it being “paper pregnant.” My personal experience with a difficult pregnancy was through a failed adoption. I was a mom, and then I wasn’t. There were no words to describe the depth of my pain and loss. If you are facing a difficult pregnancy, the possibility of loss, or if you have been given a bad report and need a miracle—there are no words.
The truth is, I have not experienced what you are experiencing. No one has, really. I am imagining you, a mom with her heart shattered in a million pieces, on the other side of this screen, and I feel an ache in my own heart with you, for you. To share space with you either in person or through print is a privilege, and it is a sacred, tender space to me. As you read on, know that I will not forget you are there, not for a moment. As you read on, know that someone is praying for you and your sweet baby.
While I do not know how you feel, I do know you’re holding on to hope and maybe feeling hopeless at the same time. That doesn’t make you a bad mother or weak-faithed, it makes you human. In this life, we hold a tension. It is the tension that life is filled with both pain and promise, indescribable joy and devastating sorrow—two sides of the same coin. We are not promised to be without pain in this life, but here’s what we are promised in our pain:
- His Presence with us in our storm, our pain, our dark night of the soul;
- His Power to bear up under the weight of the pain;
- His Provision to meet our needs spiritually, physically, and emotionally;
- His Peace that surpasses any human understanding.
If we were sitting together in your living room, here are some other things I would want you to know with the prayer that it would buoy your own hope:
- God’s power is limitless. Pray for your miracle; He is able. God’s ways are also mysterious. Pray to trust Him with the answer to that prayer.
- This road you are walking is devastatingly painful and lonely. Lean into the community of faith, friends, and family where you have been placed. The enemy wants you in isolation. Psalm 118:5 says, “From my distress I called upon the LORD; the LORD answered me and put me in an open place” (NASB). Cry out to Him. He will answer. He will set you (spiritually) in a place that is spacious—not claustrophobic and isolating.
- The path you are on is impossible to walk in the natural realm. Trust the promise in Habakkuk 3:19, “The Lord GOD is my strength, And He has made my feet like deer’s feet, And has me walk on my high places.” Have you ever seen a mountain goat walk up the side of a steep mountain and wondered, How in the world do they do that? Similarly, in a spiritual sense, the Lord will form your spiritual feet to walk an impossible path. Only He can. Pray that passage and ask Him to form your feet to walk a path you could never walk in your own strength.
- What you are facing is similar to being in a war. The battleground looks different, but the effects are just as traumatic. You are facing a mountain, and the only way to climb a mountain is to become a mountain climber. Mountain climbers need tools and guides, so talk to a counselor or a pastoral counselor—let them help you navigate what you’re feeling and thinking. The help helps.
- Everyone responds to pain, difficulty, and loss differently. Even when it is shared, the grievers grieve alone, together. This is especially true of parents grieving pain around a child. Give yourself, your spouse, and your family both grace and space to grieve in their own ways.
- Everything is normal, but not everything is helpful. By this, I mean that it may be normal to not want to eat for lack of appetite, but it is not helpful to your process as your body still needs to be strong and your mind still needs nutrition. Pay attention to how you try to numb your pain.
- This pain isn’t something you will get over, but it is something you will get through. Only God can do the work of healing your broken heart and binding up your wounds. One day it will fully mend, and what has been shattered will be whole again.
- Until that day and along the way, your heart will find comfort. I am praying now that you are experiencing His comfort in your heart.
Offering resources to help you process your pain is helpful to some and not to others. If you find comfort in reading about others’ experiences, consider the following resources. (These are books and blogs I have read and found helpful, this is not a Lifeway endorsement of these resources.)
Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman
Disappointment With God by Philip Yancey
“God Wins … but Can I?” A Mother’s Journey blog by Marie Guthrie
A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser
I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
The Question That Never Goes Away by Philip Yancey
I pray that these help you. And now, I pray for you, “God of all comfort, please pour out Your comfort over the women reading this who desperately need it. Give them a palpable sense of Your presence, Your power, Your provision, and Your peace. We are asking for the miraculous, You’ve done it before; please do it again. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Kaye Hurta has a Masters Degree in counseling from Liberty University and is a crisis counselor for Women’s Events through Lifeway Christian Resources. Whether speaking, singing or listening, Kaye’s passion is to help others find intimacy with Christ and soul transformation through the living pages of His Word. “I was a wounded, lonely Midwest farm girl until the Divine Romancer swept me off my feet. I want to steward my story well so that others can find Him in their stories and be fully satisfied.” Kaye met and married her husband Chris in Austin, Texas in 1987. They have two daughters through the miracle of adoption, Madison and Cami. They live on Florida’s West Coast and are both on staff at Bayside Community Church. Kaye is also a contributing author for the Lifeway resource, Women Reaching Women in Crisis.
