Today we’re sharing two perspectives on ways to grow and improve your relationship with your in-laws.
Wendy | Mother-In-Law
The past year and a half has been unusual in so many ways. At our house, my son and his bride were married in our backyard due to Covid restrictions, then moved into our basement! It wasn’t necessarily the start to married life they had originally envisioned, but it was beautiful, fun to plan, and brought us closer together as we worked on details and made adjustments. While I still feel like this “mother-in-law” role is new for me, here are a few things that I have learned or observed so far:
Take the time to get to know her:
Put deliberate effort into understanding her personality and getting to know her. Is she an introvert? What are her hobbies? What do you think her love language might be? My daughter-in-law is very artistic, and to say that I’m not would be an understatement! Yet I can still ask her about her artwork, encourage her, and buy those paint brushes she really wants as a birthday gift. Also think about what she can teach you. Ask her about her favorite music, or to give you a tutorial on that new phone app. My daughter-in-law has a different cultural background than we do, so thinking about her traditions, what she likes to cook, how they celebrate Christmas, and so on, can be both thoughtful and an expression of love.
Boundaries:
My daughter-in-law is now my son’s closest relative, and they are building a new family unit together. That can take some getting used to, but it’s worth acknowledging that important shift. I’m finding that new boundaries are key. I’m less of a parent and more of a coach. I’ve had several friends tell me that it’s really important not to jump in and give advice. I completely agree with that, but perhaps with a bit of a twist. When they do express a concern or problem, here are a few good conversation starters:
– How is that making you guys feel?
– What do you think is best?
– Would you like some advice?
– We’d be happy to help you with that, but only if you want us to.
– That sounds challenging, I’ll be praying for you.
Having them live in our house comes with an additional layer of communication. We actually signed a written agreement with them, to set expectations and avoid misunderstandings as much as possible. It includes some boundaries for them, such as helping with chores, and some for us, that include never entering their apartment without invitation, knocking or texting first. Your situation may be different, but think about what boundaries would be helpful in your family, and would send a message of care and respect.
Prayer:
Praying for our kids, whether they are younger or adults, is obviously one of the most important things we can do for them. I like to send them prayer texts, about once a week, and now include my daughter-in-law in this practice. I don’t just let them know I’m praying for them, I let them know specifically what I’m praying for them, a particular Scripture, a situation I know they’re facing at work, or a character trait such as perseverance or wisdom.
Conclusion:
Even if your kids are all grown up and have left your home, they still need you. You have the privilege of speaking life into their marriage relationship, and being their cheerleader and biggest supporter! “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” (1 Thess. 5:11) Our words can either speak life or death (Prov. 18:21) and with God’s help and grace we can choose to use them well within our family relationships.
Savannah | Daughter-In-Law
After two years of dating, three years being broken up, and two more years back together, to say that my now husband and I were ready to be married is an understatement. We planned a wedding for May 2020, but as we all know, COVID changed many plans that spring. Instead, we decided to elope and planned a wedding in 10 days to take place at his parent’s house.
My mother-in-law was a huge support system for us during this time. She stepped in and did all that she could to give us the wedding of our dreams in a less than ideal scenario. From planting her spring flowers early, opening her home to us the entire week to plan, and hand-sewing masks for all close family and friends who attended from a distance, she was there for us every step of the way.
This is just one example of the way that she loves my husband and I. While this experience is stamped in my mind, our relationship has been built and grown for many years leading up to our unexpected wedding day. Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years that I believe have strengthened our relationship:
LEARN FROM HER
From my first meal at my husband’s family home, I knew his mom was an incredible cook. I could see the passion she had for this skill and the ability she cultivated of making every guest feel like family when they came to their home. She invited me into her kitchen and I quickly jumped on the opportunity. Over the years, we’ve spent much of our time together in the kitchen, learning her culinary tricks and lending a hand where I can help. I do this to pick up on some cooking skills, but more than that, to spend time with her. I’ve found that leaning into what she loves offers a chance for us to grow together, and helps me learn family traditions that I want to carry on with my husband and our future family. Whether it is gardening, music, or sports – find out what her passions are and ask her to teach you.
ASK QUESTIONS
I found this to be particularly important in our original wedding planning process. I invited her to come to all planning meetings and asked for her opinion on details. I wanted to make sure she knew she was special on our special day. I’m incredibly grateful to my own mother for supporting me in this choice as well. I wanted both mothers to know how valued they are in my and my husband’s life. Ask her advice on situations in your life. This doesn’t mean that you always act on her advice, but it is helpful to know her opinion and make sure she feels included and welcome in your life.
HONOR HER
I have always been amazed by Ruth in the Bible that, even after losing her own husband, she chose to stay with her mother-in-law rather than returning to her family of origin. Her example speaks to the honor she held for Naomi. I can’t help but think that this was a way that she also honored her late husband by loving his mother all her life. Practically speaking, I see this lived out by remembering that your mother-in-law has loved your husband since he was in her womb and for all of his life. As his wife, keep this in mind and respect the place that they hold in each other’s hearts. While you are his new family and his closest relationship, continue to honor the woman who loved him first and encourage their relationship to flourish.
I am grateful for my mother-in-law welcoming me into her family as one of her own children. As I grow in my relationship with my husband, I want to be intentional about loving his mom well and inviting her to be part of the family we are building.
Wendy Tomlinson lives just outside Toronto, Ontario, Canada with her husband Dan. They have 24 year old twins, and enjoy traveling as a family. She also loves Bible study and chocolate! She is involved in women’s ministry at her church, as well as the simulcast and event specialist teams at Lifeway.
Savannah Ivey Ward is an Event Project Coordinator for Lifeway’s Adult Events Team. She was born and raised in Knoxville, TN where she attended the University of Tennessee. Her background is in Women’s Ministry and Communication, and she is passionate about helping women know the real, living Jesus. She loves conversations with friends, road trips, and music. Savannah and her husband Blake are newlyweds living in Nashville, TN.
